Avoiding “The Goader Transfer” & The Love Boat Return to Love Cruise

A question about goading was presented to me not long ago. It followed in the wake of an incident in which someone was goaded into feeling guilty. Goading is a technique whereby a target (the one being goaded) is taunted with prickly blurts of either overt or subtle condemnation by the “goader,” in the hopes of raising the target’s level of self-blame and guilt. You have probably experienced it.

Goading is used as a way to belittle another, or reduce his or her level of self-worth. If you see goading with the eye that transcends conventional consciousness, then an alternative subconscious purpose for its use becomes recognizable. From this alternate perspective it is perceived that the goader instigates the goading as a way to protect his or herself from the pain of self-directed anger and/or guilt, and instead redirects it toward the target. I call this type of interaction “The Goader Transfer.” A person who is experiencing welling emotional pain makes a deliberate attempt to transfer it to another. Throughout this essay, I refer to the person using this technique, as a goater.

Some people hone an amazing degree of skill for raising the guilt level in a lover, friend, co-worker or family member. As a measure of protecting a desirable standard of self-acceptability, they develop the cunning to immediately and offhandedly make remarks that project unwarranted blame onto someone else. Something cold or cunning is often communicated in the form of an inference. The message is frequently spoken with a snide tone, and presented in the form of a subtle retaliation for what the goader perceives as an offense to good judgment. The remarks are not only condemning in nature, but are communicated in a pejorative tone.

It’s not unusual for the goader to use goading as the means to indirectly refer to the unacceptable behavior of the goaded one. For example the goader may say in the presence of the target: “What kind of idiot would park a car like this?” Knowing that the target often parks his car in this same manner, the goader is offhandedly but none-the-less intentionally projecting blame on the other. The flow of love is abruptly interrupted by the swift

The Love Boat ~ Return To Love Cruise

Kick back. Enjoy wine and sunshine. Do some shopping. Lay on the beach. Take in a movie.
Quiet your mind with a lazy cruise of the inner-harbor, and Lake Michigan.
And, in addition, how about a jaunt up the river for lunch or dinner.


Brings friends and relax for a week. We will even find time to participate in guided meditation, self-refection and spiritual tranquility programs.

This Chris Craft Catalina yacht can accommodate six overnight guests. It has a lower and upper deck with the space to be alone, sit and chat with a friend, or lie in the sun and work on your tan. It is equipped with bedrooms, kitchen, sitting area, a bathroom, shower, television, stereo and so many other convinces. The upper deck provides a spacious seating area along with an open area for sunbathing. The boat is docked on Lake Michigan in Milwaukee.

Milwaukee is the city of festivals. All summer long a designated area of the harbor is set up for enjoying live entertainment, fun and food. And of course you realize that Milwaukee is the beer capital of the America.

Interjection of negative energy. A father, having seen his daughter dressed in revealing outfits may remark about a
passerby: “That girl dresses like a hooker.” He does so because, with his daughter at his side, he will hopefully raise her level of guilt without overtly condemning her. He uses a third party as a means to goad his daughter for what he perceives to be her abuse of good judgment. Goading, as demonstrated in these examples, is projected for the purpose of offending someone else, but not with the willfulness to do it overtly. It is a subtle yet hurtful way of telling someone else that his or her behavior is judged as unacceptable.

“The Goader Transfer” is often instigated because of a build up of anxiety or frustration. The goader fills with a rising measure of tension and stress, and in the absence of any other way to release it, he projects it under the cover of offhanded criticism, onto the victim. Friends sometimes use this technique to cause one another to feel jealous. Or one might use it frequently with another because the target never seems to respond. Basically, in this case, the goader knows that no remarks of equal bitterness will be returned, so the goading is used for its bullying effect. One or both parties of a romantic couple, while in the company of group, may goad the other. The presence of a group or third person makes it easier and convenient to sling harsh judgmental remarks at the target. The supposed offensive behavior of one person is mentioned in the presence of a group or third party so the messenger can muster the strength required for his or her offensive position. Some goaders feel more secure in making an attack when in the midst of bystanders. They may feel that retaliation will be minimized. Also if the attack backfires, the incident can be conveniently reduced, by the goader, to a laughing point or source of amusement. It can be lightened up with a half-hearted apology or a statement about how the remark was taken too seriously or out of context.

As pointed out, the person being goaded may be of a temperament that makes it easy for the other to transfer his or her inner turmoil with little or no feedback or repercussions. That assumption however infrequently holds true in the long run. The target will often react in a delicate manner. After too often being the mark for belittlement, and burdened too much with another’s illicit transfer of guilt, the goaded one eventually

Cruises are available for the summer season. Please email me if you, or you and your friends would like to get away and have some great fun and return home rested and relaxed. Milwaukee is one hour and fifteen minutes from Chicago. So you can be shopping on Michigan Avenue, or enjoying a relaxing meal in one of the many restaurants. Email me and I’ll get more information to you.

Only a limited number of weeks are available for using the yacht. It’s a fun and restful way to gather your marbles, hang out, and reclaim your inner-peace. Indulge yourself in a vacation style stress cleansing.

Take a break and ZEN-OUT for a week. You’ll come home rested, relaxed, and inspired. If you would like to take a shorter time away, we may be able to accommodate your wish. Just drop me a line. I look forward to sharing this adventure with you. This is your captain speaking.

"When we have inner peace, we can be at peace with those around us." 
-- 14th Dalai Lama
responds by stopping communication with the other, or communicates through lies, as a means to thwart the hurt and distain that she is intended to absorb. Avoidance is one obvious means that the target uses to separate herself from the goader. The target does so in order to remain resilient to the spears of guilt and condemnation cast by the offender. As offhanded and
subtle as these barbs may be presented, none-the-less they are a source of persistent emotional pain. Sometimes the best way to free oneself from carrying the undue burdens that another puts upon him or her is to minimize or avoid communication and interaction with the other.

Goading is a means for transferring self-directed anger and also a form of manipulation. This technique is actually used as a way to transfer one’s emotional pain to another. It is a way of taking the pain from one’s self-directed judgment and guilt and dumping it on another. It is delivered with the intention of releasing one’s inner torment and anguish. It’s not unlike suffering from an upset stomach and then aiming your vomit at another person.

Goading as I am referring to it, is initialized with the intent to transfer bitterness. It is not to be confused with prodding or cajoling. Goading is not done with the intent to coach, energize, or inspire someone. A goader may claim that he means no harm, when in fact he is deliberately injecting emotional toxin into the life of another. Some people may believe that because of their role in affecting the life of another they have the right to goad. Parents may claim that right over children. A partner in a romantic relationship may too feel that he holds supremacy privileges over the other, and thusly has the right to say to the partner what he pleases. In the goaders mind, he holds the reigns for the purpose of directing the one who is less knowledgeable, less intelligent, less apt, or less experienced.

When encountering a goader, realize that he or she is relying on an all too familiar tool, and using it just as a skilled craftsman would use a specialized instrument. The goader is doings so, so that he or she may reset the self-acceptance meter. When the life of a goater gets out of kilter, then he or she draws on this old familiar skill as a way to temporarily bring the sense of personal self-stability back into balance. And because the effects and repercussions of this skill are enhanced with its increased usage, the goater finds that the target avoids him more and more and more. The target, to maintain sanity and experience the flow of “good” energy, separates herself from

"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as in being able to remake ourselves."
-- Mohandas Gandhi


the goader and his nasty remarks.

So what happens over the long haul? The separation between the target and the goader increases in proportion to the pain projected by the goader onto the target. Have you encountered a goater? If so here is a remedy to consider.

Realize the goader’s ultimate motive, and then give him what he wants. Recognize that her goading is a quest for love and then give to her the love she is seeking. Tell her that you love her. Tell her that you are not, in the eyes of the world, a perfect person and that you make errors, and will continue to do so. Tell her that her criticism is not helpful to you. Then show her that both the ridicule and the reason for the ridicule are meaningless to you. Show her without giving her remarks any value at all. Don’t get in the game.

Remain self-aware that you are neither guilty nor condemnable. You are as God created you. Jesus as He was being judged said: “I am who I am.” You too are who you are. You are Love. You are God made manifest in the form of a human. Know that for yourself, and know it for the goader. Be aware that the goader does not know what he is doing. He does not realize what you realize, but he is seeking it. He just isn’t there yet. Rather, he is stuck in a mire of self-delusion and is not aware of his true reality. Caution yourself not to climb into the pit of delusion with him.

Keep yourself guarded. If the goader is tempting you back into feelings of guilt or experiencing thoughts of unacceptability, then remain aloof. Avoid subjecting yourself to offhanded ridicule. This person is looking for love, and let him know by your actions and thoughts that you have the knowledge he is seeking. Allow God’s presence to prevail. By thinking loving thoughts you will speak loving words. Always think first, then either respond with loving words, remain silent, or walk away.

Offer kindness. Don’t be afraid. Practice being a loving person. At a point you will be able to walk the talk. The presence of God within you will allow you to be in the presence of the other without feeling like you have done something wrong or that you are lacking something that the other person thinks you should have. At a point you will be assured in the knowledge that you walk as God walks. You will have transcended the verbal harm that is intended for you, and become an example of loving-kindness. As such, you will be unharmed and resilient to the goader’s intentions. Don ¤¤¤


All that we are is the result of what we have thought: it is founded on our thoughts, it is made up of our thoughts. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him . . .

All that we are is the result of what we have thought: it is founded on our thoughts, it is made up of our thoughts. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.
Dhammapada V. 1-2

Never look down upon anyone unless you are helping them up – Rev. Jesse Jackson

“In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33
¤¤¤BE HAPPY¤¤

Self-Empowerment Service
Sundays at 8:00 The Center for Happy Beings holds a Self-Empowerment program entitled Treasures of the Light. Each Sunday a useful topic is brought forth so that we may live out the week with inner-peace and appreciation for all that the universe provides. It is uplifting, casual and inspiring. The location is 31732 South PCH in Laguna. Please join us.

A love letter from Don: 1/21/09

What are self-serving motives?

The following article (Living On Purpose) refers to self-serving motives, and before you read it I want to clarify what I mean when making this reference. The world outside our self can cause us to become upset, dismayed or disillusioned. It can stir up stressful emotions: which cause us to act in a way that will attempt to make us feel better about who we are. Let’s say John feels anguished when becoming the brunt of another’s ill remarks. And so John wants to exact revenge on the offender. The thoughts of both parties, in this example, are raised for the sole purpose of protecting their personal acceptability. Either person is motivated, not out of love, but with the intention to selfishly serve their own ego-based desires. Our daily lives are full of examples demonstrating the control that self-serving motives exercise on the mind. The scope of examples is too vast to include more here, but if you want, you can perform an easy self -examination to evaluate your own reason for thinking and behaving in a particular way.

Here it is. Are my thoughts being guided by unconditional love? If the answer is “no” then somewhere in your thinking process you are wired into a self-serving motive. And thusly the purpose of your thoughts and actions will be to serve and justify that motive. db¤

Living On-Purpose

Are you living on purpose? Are you allowing the intention of Love to blossom within you? Are your actions guided by loving thoughts? Or, have you limited yourself to acting out of self-serving motives?
(Continued on the next page)

Sunday get together with coffee
If you would like to inquire about our Sunday morning get
together, please email me, and I will give you the scoop by return email.

“We are formed and molded by our thoughts. Those whose minds are shaped by selfless thoughts give joy when they speak or act. Joy follows them like a shadow that never leaves them.”
- Buddha

Hello – I’m Don.

What is our purpose?

The answer to that question lies in a single choice. It depends on which source of purpose we choose as our guide. If we live with a spiritual purpose then we allow our thoughts and actions to be guided by love. If we should decide to dedicate the purpose of our lives to fulfilling the desire for self-serving thoughts and behavior, then our lives will be guided by turmoil.

Accompanying this turmoil is the feeling of entanglement, meaning we continually feel like we are all twisted up in the restraints of solving a present problem or resolving a lingering issue.

Love, on the other hand, is accompanied by freedom. Freedom brings happiness and entanglement brings frustration, confusion and disappointment. So if you want to check and see which purpose is guiding you, then do an analysis. Ask yourself: Do I feel free? Or, do I feel restricted by turmoil, anguish, or frustration?

Patanjali (150b.c.) was a spiritual practitioner of Yoga. In traditional Hindu style, Yoga involves inner contemplation, a rigorous system of meditation practice, ethics, metaphysics, and devotion to God.

Patanjali said: “When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bounds: Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction and you find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.”

I believe Patanjali was referring to being “inspired by some great purpose” as that inspiration relates to spiritual purpose. When love is at the core of our actions, then creativity blossoms. Ideas just seem to appear out of nowhere. The mind is freed from restrictive thinking.

When we are committed to our spiritual purpose the Real Self is discovered. Our thoughts and actions radiate feelings of love and fulfillments, which both reflect and create additional thoughts and actions of the like.

When we follow our spiritual purpose, our karmic communication with the entire cosmos comes into perfect balance. We transcend ego-consciousness and actually become One with Spirit or Devine Consciousness.
And in this Oneness we experience the mind of God. We are One with the Devine. When our thoughts and actions radiate from this Mind, then we are living on-purpose. We are experiencing the freedom of Divine Life.

The call for Love is within everyone. To hear it we need only to allow the mind of God within, to connect with the mind of mind of God in Creation. We need only to return to being One with God. In Oneness with God we discover freedom. The mind is voided of restraining thoughts. Mental clarity is experience, and the recognition of boundless creativity fills our being. We feel turned-on, euphoric, enlightened. We experience a sense of self-reassurance. Something unrecognized and unexplainable grows from within, and we seem to be tapping into a part of the soul that was previously silent.

To a 100-level college physics class, the fuzzy faced college professor demonstrated a fundamental experiment relating to the electronic polarization of metal chips. It was a simple exercise but one that must have made an impact and lasting impression, because it has stayed with me for many years. Here is how the experiment was conducted. The professor placed a mound of itty-bitty metal flakes on a marble-top lab-table, and then by moving a magnet, he correspondingly caused movement in the bits of metal. The little flakes aligned with the electronic pull induced by the magnet. So the metal pieces faithfully followed the moving magnet.

Our thoughts react much the same as the tiny metal flakes. Thoughts follow the polarity force of the source to which they are magnetized. When we wave the wand of self-serving motives over the mind, selfish thoughts will accumulate. When indulged in self-serving thoughts, the only concern is drawn to satisfying the unsatisfied self. And so our purpose for living is manifested in the heap of itty-bitty thoughts, collected for the intention to make the self feel better, or more acceptable.

This same aggregate of thoughts is the cause of all inner torment, and feelings of emptiness. These tormenting thoughts need not control our minds, and can be rendered powerless. We do so by first choosing to deactivate the polarity of the force that governs those thoughts.

We may choose to follow a purpose that does not draw an accumulation of self-centered, troublesome thoughts. Rather, we may take a different approach and allow our thoughts to follow the polarity of Love-power. That Power is within all of us. By activating the energy in the mind of God within, we can also activate like energy in the thoughts that follow God’s mind. Allow Loving thoughts to marinade in the mind, and additional loving thoughts will gather. The “flavor” of our attitude and outlook will change.

In our home life, work life, social life, and romantic life, we are continually activating thought energy. Like those metallic chips, thoughts are being drawn towards the source that empowers them. Plug your thoughts into a source that tells you to give your energy, and thus meaning to a problem and guess what. That’s right! A magnetized procession of thoughts will follow. The addition and accumulation of like thoughts will give the problem more value, meaning and credence. And, you will become increasingly tormented by those thoughts.

A Buddha quote goes like this: “. . . our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: Our life is the creation of our mind.” Change your thoughts and you will change your life. Every thought is a seed. If you plant a crab apple tree don't count on harvesting golden delicious apples.

If the purpose a person’s life is satisfied by self-serving motives, then he or she will develop an appetite for thoughts that assure the satisfaction of those desires.

Choose Love as the purpose of life and be assured that the mind will be immersed in thoughts that attract love. Peace, joy and happiness will abide within. Forgiveness will come with less difficulty. Kindness and compassion will allow us to recognize the presence of God in others. Love will become more visible, and the shortcomings of others will become more transparent. db¤
BE HAPPY!