A question about goading was presented to me not long ago. It followed in the wake of an incident in which someone was goaded into feeling guilty. Goading is a technique whereby a target (the one being goaded) is taunted with prickly blurts of either overt or subtle condemnation by the “goader,” in the hopes of raising the target’s level of self-blame and guilt. You have probably experienced it.
Goading is used as a way to belittle another, or reduce his or her level of self-worth. If you see goading with the eye that transcends conventional consciousness, then an alternative subconscious purpose for its use becomes recognizable. From this alternate perspective it is perceived that the goader instigates the goading as a way to protect his or herself from the pain of self-directed anger and/or guilt, and instead redirects it toward the target. I call this type of interaction “The Goader Transfer.” A person who is experiencing welling emotional pain makes a deliberate attempt to transfer it to another. Throughout this essay, I refer to the person using this technique, as a goater.
Some people hone an amazing degree of skill for raising the guilt level in a lover, friend, co-worker or family member. As a measure of protecting a desirable standard of self-acceptability, they develop the cunning to immediately and offhandedly make remarks that project unwarranted blame onto someone else. Something cold or cunning is often communicated in the form of an inference. The message is frequently spoken with a snide tone, and presented in the form of a subtle retaliation for what the goader perceives as an offense to good judgment. The remarks are not only condemning in nature, but are communicated in a pejorative tone.
It’s not unusual for the goader to use goading as the means to indirectly refer to the unacceptable behavior of the goaded one. For example the goader may say in the presence of the target: “What kind of idiot would park a car like this?” Knowing that the target often parks his car in this same manner, the goader is offhandedly but none-the-less intentionally projecting blame on the other. The flow of love is abruptly interrupted by the swift
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Brings friends and relax for a week. We will even find time to participate in guided meditation, self-refection and spiritual tranquility programs.
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Interjection of negative energy. A father, having seen his daughter dressed in revealing outfits may remark about a
passerby: “That girl dresses like a hooker.” He does so because, with his daughter at his side, he will hopefully raise her level of guilt without overtly condemning her. He uses a third party as a means to goad his daughter for what he perceives to be her abuse of good judgment. Goading, as demonstrated in these examples, is projected for the purpose of offending someone else, but not with the willfulness to do it overtly. It is a subtle yet hurtful way of telling someone else that his or her behavior is judged as unacceptable.
“The Goader Transfer” is often instigated because of a build up of anxiety or frustration. The goader fills with a rising measure of tension and stress, and in the absence of any other way to release it, he projects it under the cover of offhanded criticism, onto the victim. Friends sometimes use this technique to cause one another to feel jealous. Or one might use it frequently with another because the target never seems to respond. Basically, in this case, the goader knows that no remarks of equal bitterness will be returned, so the goading is used for its bullying effect. One or both parties of a romantic couple, while in the company of group, may goad the other. The presence of a group or third person makes it easier and convenient to sling harsh judgmental remarks at the target. The supposed offensive behavior of one person is mentioned in the presence of a group or third party so the messenger can muster the strength required for his or her offensive position. Some goaders feel more secure in making an attack when in the midst of bystanders. They may feel that retaliation will be minimized. Also if the attack backfires, the incident can be conveniently reduced, by the goader, to a laughing point or source of amusement. It can be lightened up with a half-hearted apology or a statement about how the remark was taken too seriously or out of context.
As pointed out, the person being goaded may be of a temperament that makes it easy for the other to transfer his or her inner turmoil with little or no feedback or repercussions. That assumption however infrequently holds true in the long run. The target will often react in a delicate manner. After too often being the mark for belittlement, and burdened too much with another’s illicit transfer of guilt, the goaded one eventually
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Take a break and ZEN-OUT for a week. You’ll come home rested, relaxed, and inspired. If you would like to take a shorter time away, we may be able to accommodate your wish. Just drop me a line. I look forward to sharing this adventure with you. This is your captain speaking.
"When we have inner peace, we can be at peace with those around us."
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14th Dalai Lamaresponds by stopping communication with the other, or communicates through lies, as a means to thwart the hurt and distain that she is intended to absorb. Avoidance is one obvious means that the target uses to separate herself from the goader. The target does so in order to remain resilient to the spears of guilt and condemnation cast by the offender. As offhanded and
subtle as these barbs may be presented, none-the-less they are a source of persistent emotional pain. Sometimes the best way to free oneself from carrying the undue burdens that another puts upon him or her is to minimize or avoid communication and interaction with the other.
Goading is a means for transferring self-directed anger and also a form of manipulation. This technique is actually used as a way to transfer one’s emotional pain to another. It is a way of taking the pain from one’s self-directed judgment and guilt and dumping it on another. It is delivered with the intention of releasing one’s inner torment and anguish. It’s not unlike suffering from an upset stomach and then aiming your vomit at another person.
Goading as I am referring to it, is initialized with the intent to transfer bitterness. It is not to be confused with prodding or cajoling. Goading is not done with the intent to coach, energize, or inspire someone. A goader may claim that he means no harm, when in fact he is deliberately injecting emotional toxin into the life of another. Some people may believe that because of their role in affecting the life of another they have the right to goad. Parents may claim that right over children. A partner in a romantic relationship may too feel that he holds supremacy privileges over the other, and thusly has the right to say to the partner what he pleases. In the goaders mind, he holds the reigns for the purpose of directing the one who is less knowledgeable, less intelligent, less apt, or less experienced.
When encountering a goader, realize that he or she is relying on an all too familiar tool, and using it just as a skilled craftsman would use a specialized instrument. The goader is doings so, so that he or she may reset the self-acceptance meter. When the life of a goater gets out of kilter, then he or she draws on this old familiar skill as a way to temporarily bring the sense of personal self-stability back into balance. And because the effects and repercussions of this skill are enhanced with its increased usage, the goater finds that the target avoids him more and more and more. The target, to maintain sanity and experience the flow of “good” energy, separates herself from
"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as in being able to remake ourselves."
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Mohandas Gandhithe goader and his nasty remarks.
So what happens over the long haul? The separation between the target and the goader increases in proportion to the pain projected by the goader onto the target. Have you encountered a goater? If so here is a remedy to consider.
Realize the goader’s ultimate motive, and then give him what he wants. Recognize that her goading is a quest for love and then give to her the love she is seeking. Tell her that you love her. Tell her that you are not, in the eyes of the world, a perfect person and that you make errors, and will continue to do so. Tell her that her criticism is not helpful to you. Then show her that both the ridicule and the reason for the ridicule are meaningless to you. Show her without giving her remarks any value at all. Don’t get in the game.
Remain self-aware that you are neither guilty nor condemnable. You are as God created you. Jesus as He was being judged said: “I am who I am.” You too are who you are. You are Love. You are God made manifest in the form of a human. Know that for yourself, and know it for the goader. Be aware that the goader does not know what he is doing. He does not realize what you realize, but he is seeking it. He just isn’t there yet. Rather, he is stuck in a mire of self-delusion and is not aware of his true reality. Caution yourself not to climb into the pit of delusion with him.
Keep yourself guarded. If the goader is tempting you back into feelings of guilt or experiencing thoughts of unacceptability, then remain aloof. Avoid subjecting yourself to offhanded ridicule. This person is looking for love, and let him know by your actions and thoughts that you have the knowledge he is seeking. Allow God’s presence to prevail. By thinking loving thoughts you will speak loving words. Always think first, then either respond with loving words, remain silent, or walk away.
Offer kindness. Don’t be afraid. Practice being a loving person. At a point you will be able to walk the talk. The presence of God within you will allow you to be in the presence of the other without feeling like you have done something wrong or that you are lacking something that the other person thinks you should have. At a point you will be assured in the knowledge that you walk as God walks. You will have transcended the verbal harm that is intended for you, and become an example of loving-kindness. As such, you will be unharmed and resilient to the goader’s intentions. Don ¤¤¤
All that we are is the result of what we have thought: it is founded on our thoughts, it is made up of our thoughts. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him . . .
All that we are is the result of what we have thought: it is founded on our thoughts, it is made up of our thoughts. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.
Dhammapada V. 1-2
Never look down upon anyone unless you are helping them up – Rev. Jesse Jackson
“In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33
¤¤¤BE HAPPY¤¤
Self-Empowerment Service Sundays at 8:00 The Center for Happy Beings holds a Self-Empowerment program entitled Treasures of the Light. Each Sunday a useful topic is brought forth so that we may live out the week with inner-peace and appreciation for all that the universe provides. It is uplifting, casual and inspiring. The location is 31732 South PCH in Laguna. Please join us.
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